You've never seen a body quite the same as that of Houdini!
Slippery like linguini, sneaking out of teeny-weeny,
Little spaces small enough to fit your talent, David!
You're not a challenge, David!
Your biggest endeavour's your bank account balances, baby!
So abracadabra, you billowy bitch!
Man, you look like a pirate on a Las Vegas strip!
I'm swallowing needles and spitting out evil, you couldn't escape from a flat paper bag!
A batter with patter and a matter of fact, you can't match all my skill if you sawed me in half!
When I was a child, you were a god to me. I had to do what you do.
But now you're like a Chinese wall to me, bitch, I'll walk right through you,
This ain't the magic that you're used to.
I float on ropes, handsfree, like it's Bluetooth.
My grand illusions make your parlor tricks irrelevant,
The foot of Lady Liberty is stomping on your elephant.
You failed at making movies, and you failed at making kids,
You should stick to what you're good at and lock them lips!
(Ohh!) Here's a tidbit that might drive you nuts,
I bought half of your shit, and I keep it locked up!
Got the slim fingers that were built for sleights,
You're a chunky stuntman; dressed in tights!
You talk shit about your hero; that ain't right!
But you can look up to me now; I know you like heights!
Ah! Your hack of a Bob Saget-y act is embarrassing!
You're the saddest thing to happen to Magic since The Gathering!
I'm hanging by my ankles, on a crane I dangle,
I got lox on my bagel that you couldn't handle!
Smash your mirrors if your flying wires tangle,
And you can't hide shame with a camera angle.
Did somebody say Angel?
See, would they be watching if it wasn't for me?
I'm the reminder that magic is supposed to make you happy
While you waste time proving everybody wrong
I'm backstage getting my supermodel groove on
You can relax, take a private trip
To my private island, suck my private dick!
I summon up a little Halloween brunch
Deep-fried sucker with a side of punch!
Thanks to Lisa Cousins.